Taurus: You're a Minotaur, stop with the elf stuff. You're embarrassing us all. Look in the mirror and accept your true nature. This week’s alignment of Venus and the moon signals good luck on all Charisma rolls.
Virgo: Be wary of where you keep your gaming notes. Someone in the group is so tired of you having everything so neatly squared away that they have been plotting your character's death for the past two Saturdays. Play number 0120 on the next
numerical riddle you encounter.
Libra: If you play a healer one more time, you're being booted from the game.
Capricorn: The demands being placed on you as a GM is too much. It is time you take control and kill Scorpio's character once and for all.
Aries: When people say you're all work and no play, they mean stop correcting the GM. Stop it. Stop it. Also roll for a new character, you're dead to us.
Aquarius: It's time for an interruption, one of fun and fancy. One of us interrupting you each time you're about make a roll. We're the star of this role-play! US! Wait, you were going to use charisma? TOO LATE! SHIT THEY'RE MAD!
Cancer: It's not surprising the ideas that you have or the responses that you give. What's surprising is you keep saying you're chaotic good when clearly you're either neutral or evil.
Leo: Feel free to upset the equilibrium since Cancer can’t seem to pick a side and Aries keeps telling us what to do. It’s time you do what you’ve always wanted, mate with the Owlbear, seduce the Owlbear. Let the world
feel the rage of a half-Owlbear whatever.
Scorpio: Matters of the heart may not go smoothly. Stop relying on Charisma so much; let the Mino-Taurus do that. What you need to do is fuck up Virgo’s notes again.
Sagittarius: When it comes to love and romance, you’re on fire. Literally, you’re on fire. Take -3 damage on each turn.
Pisces: Spark things up by being more adventurous, or actually read the player’s manual like asked before the game. What do you mean your dice are unlucky, they’re dice! I see snake eyes in your future. Crit fail, because Cancer’s Moon is messing up everyone’s shit.
Gemini: Expect to be challenged in your next game. Your character is going to die. Roll up your new character, but Mercury in retrograde tells you not to get too attached.
These horoscopes are provided for entertainment purposes only, and as such, the information and advice contained therein comes with no guarantee of accuracy or usability at your table or anywhere else, so don't be fucking stupid.