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Dear Auntie Spellcheck: Biting, party threesomes, and demon issues

Dear Auntie Spellcheck: Biting, party threesomes, and demon issues

As a public service to all the devoted ConTessa fans, we scoured the earth and the heavens looking for someone who could offer you sage advice and wise counsel. Someone to guide you through the moral and romantic dilemmas of gaming and steer you down the right path. We didn’t really find anyone suitable, so instead we settled for a little crone we met along the way who needed steady work.

Auntie Spellcheck will be answering your questions and concerns. Whether it be matters of magic or matters of the heart, or just a quick sanity check, you can always trust your auntie...

 


Dear Auntie Spellcheck,

Every time I try to have sex with my witch girlfriend, my teeth fall out. Help!

Dear Toofless,

Your girlfriend could be making a commentary on your technique. Biting can be fun, but location is key. Talk to your girlfriend about what SHE likes. If boiled children come up, you may want to rethink your life choices.


Dear Auntie Spellcheck,

My beloved died last adventure. When I say beloved, I mean this guy who kissed me at random. How long should I wait before moving on? I need to know because there's a bard in my group and he's a noble, and there's also this really hot sorcerer... so basically, is there a spell for us all to be in a poly relationship?

Dear Kissyfaice,

Relationships can be so very complicated. Your devotion is admirable, but it sounds like you know the time is right to let go of the past. The first sign is usually when you get that special feeling in your chain mail bikini bottoms. And yes! Of course there is a spell for the old roly poly. You can find it in Cousin Randy’s Burnished Tome of Antiquity, Section 8, Article 37b. Be careful, though. Inexperienced casters often just wind up turning a party member into an amorous owlbear who doesn't know how to take no for an answer.


Dear Auntie Spellcheck,

I've been trying to summon this particular demon, but I think it has me blocked. Is it me? Am I really the demon?

Dear Blockhead,

Summoning can be difficult, even for experienced wizards. You may want to try being polite to your demon - flowers and a thank you note work wonders. Just remember… one person’s demon is another person’s French onion soup mix.


Have a question for Auntie Spellcheck? Email her at admin@contessa.rocks Be sure to put Dear Auntie Spellcheck in the subject line so we can forward your message (via emu) as quickly as possible.

Coupling: Jenn & Lance

Coupling: Jenn & Lance

Interview with James Raggi, designer of Lamentations of the Flame Princess

Interview with James Raggi, designer of Lamentations of the Flame Princess

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